Wondering About Boundaries?
Let’s set the scene: I’m sitting across from my therapist, detailing all of my stressors and triggers. There was more work on my plate than I could handle, my team was drastically understaffed, I felt setup for failure and not valued, I needed to hit the lottery ASAP. Then there was home life, which, let’s be honest, was another full-time job. My kids’ activities had me feeling like an unpaid Uber driver, and my mornings looked like a highly coordinated mission: dragging my kids out of bed, making breakfast, packing lunches and snacks, getting everyone’s backpacks and outfits right, doing homework, fielding teacher emails, and ensuring the teachers knew that yes, I’m an engaged parent. Whew!
And my husband was here, but I had to tell him what to do too, he didn’t know how to do any of this stuff, “the right way.”
So, I laid it all out for my therapist, confident she’d back me up. But instead, she paused, then said, “Let’s call this session: Things Shayla Does to Herself.” Say what now? Defensive mode kicked in, and I said back, “Well, I do set boundaries. I will only let it get to a point then I let people know.” She looked at me and asked, “Why wait until it gets to a point?” Crickets from me.
Truth was, as bold and direct as I am, I was terrified to set boundaries. I had a fear of disappointing people, of people thinking I couldn’t handle it, or that I would be judged. It was time to take accountability, do deeper work and learn to set better boundaries to free myself of self-inflected stress. Here are things I have learned on this journey as I continue to grow:
My Go-To Tips for Setting and Honoring Boundaries
1. Be Real With Yourself About Why You’re Saying “Yes”
If you’re saying “yes” because you’re worried about what people will think if you say “no,” it’s time to check that habit. The people-pleaser life will drain you.
2. Own Up to the Stress You’re Creating
Sis, bro, and friend, I know—we’re quick to put on the cape, swoop in, and save the day for everyone we love. That means the kids, the partner, the job, the friends… all of it. But let’s be real: sometimes, we “choose” this, and those choices start to take a toll. Truth is, we’re often the ones adding to our own stress, saying “yes” when we should be saying “no,” piling more on our plates than we need to. It’s self-inflicted stress, plain and simple. So, it’s okay to take a step back, hang up the cape, and give yourself permission to say “no.” Protecting your peace isn’t selfish; it’s essential. And believe me, everyone benefits—including you.
3. Your boundaries don’t have to be verbalized, your actions and behavior can say enough
Disclaimer, what I am about to say is not a pass for being passive aggressive. It’s okay to not take the call or not to answer the text until you are available. It’s okay to wait until morning during regular business hours to answer that email your boss sent during dinnertime for your family and not give an explanation why you waited, they know what time it is.
4. Just because it’s urgent to them doesn’t make it your priority
Someone else’s fire doesn’t have to become your problem. If it’s not an emergency, it can wait until you’ve got the time or they will find another way.
5. Embrace the Possibility of Disappointing Others
The fear is real, but here’s a revelation: you can’t always control how people feel, and often the narrative is only in your mind. They’ll live, and you will live happily ever after.
6. If you have a partner, let them do it and do it wrong
I was so meticulous about everything, but I am learning to let all that go and to not tell him what to do, give him the space he deserves to do it his way. If my kids are safe and loved that’s all that matters, and my husband does love them even if he doesn’t do things my way. Maybe it’s not children in your case but something else, learn to let go of the need for perfect and allow them to support you.
7. So, what if you can… and?
This one’s for my “I got this” crew. The fact that you’re capable of handling everything doesn’t mean you have to. Learn to delegate and let it go.
8. Rest is essential
Rest is a boundary, not a reward. You need it, period. Make it a part of your routine, like brushing your teeth or scrolling social media. Protect your downtime. I have so much more to say about the need for rest, another post coming soon!
9. Saying “No” Helps Others Grow Too
Sometimes, saying “no” isn’t just good for you—it gives others the space to step up. Trust people to rise to the occasion, even if you’re not there to do it all for them.
10. Practice Setting Mini-Boundaries
Setting boundaries can feel big, but you can start with small moments: decide not to answer texts during dinner, or skip a volunteer sign-up if you’re already swamped. Mini-boundaries help build your confidence.
11. It’s a no for me.
You don’t need to justify or explain your “no.” Politely decline and move on. It’s empowering once you get the hang of it.
12. Let Go of the Guilt
Guilt might pop up, but you don’t have to entertain it. Boundaries are acts of self-care. You’re not wrong for choosing you and in this season we are choosing us first, period.
13. FOMO to JOMO
Another reason I struggled with setting boundaries was FOMO (fear of missing out). I’d say "yes" even when it meant stretching myself way too thin, all to avoid missing out on whatever amazing vision I’d made up in my head. But more often than not, I’d end up thinking, "I could’ve missed me on this"—and regretting the commitment. If you can relate, let’s start working on embracing a little JOMO (joy of missing out) and allow peace and rest.
14. Truth, boundaries may cause you to miss out
Speaking of FOMO, there may be times you realize there was no JOMO—you really could be missing out on something big. Take a moment to assess the season of life you’re in. Is this a time when protecting your well-being matters most, or can you take on a little extra? If your priority is rest and peace, let that guide you. Maybe setting that boundary meant passing up a promotion, a fat check, or something else you really wanted. When those moments come, pause and remember why you set that boundary in the first place. Missing out doesn’t mean losing out; it means choosing you. Each time you honor your boundaries, you’re showing up for yourself in a way no event or opportunity could replace. So, when FOMO creeps in, remind yourself that what’s meant for you will never pass you by, and that prioritizing your peace is the ultimate gain.
